The Struggle of Motherhood- My Journey with Postpartum Depression

Since the birth of my last baby, currently nine months old, I have struggled. Having had two children before, I thought I knew what to expect. I planned on leaving my full time job as a high school teacher and staying home with my sweet little one, so I could enjoy the baby snuggles, the mommy outings, the reading circles, and so on. I was looking forward to being able to rein my household in a bit- since some of the housework had gotten a little interesting while I was working full time. Though I was also going to be serving as an on-call labor doula, my crown of Stay At Home Mom was something I was very much looking forward to wearing.

But then something happened. I struggled. The crown I was looking forward to was not as shiny as I remembered. It had dents in it and it didn’t quite fit as well as I remembered it fitting when I stayed home with my older children. I found myself in the midst of an identity crisis, self loathing, constant insecurity, anxiety, irritation, and occasionally rage. This was not the sweet mommy lifestyle I had envisioned. What was wrong with me?

It all became more real when I had a fleeting thought while running errands one day. After I left the house I realized that I had left my cell phone at home. The thought occurred, “If I go to the bank, I could take out enough cash to go away for a mini-vacation and no one would be able to get in touch with me. I would come back after a day or two, but I could just go away.” I laughed it off and went home. I joked with my husband about it, but that thought was the red flag that started me thinking that this might be something more than just normal irritation. As a result of being a doula, I started analyzing my feelings as if I were my own client. What I started to realize was that many of my emotions, anxieties, and thoughts were signs of postpartum depression.

I looked up a list of signs of postpartum depression (there is a great one here: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety-in-plain-mama-english). I was surprised that I could check almost every box on the list. Before looking at the list, I didn’t really think postpartum depression applied to me. I was functioning, technically. I wasn’t in bed all day and I wasn’t crying all day (although there were a few days when I was especially weepy). The more I researched the more I found that in fact postpartum depression described me exactly, and I was in the throes of it.

I talked to my husband about it and scheduled a visit with my midwife, just to get her input. I was worried that I would feel ashamed, or that people would think I was using it as a pity party. Instead, I found something very different. Giving my feelings a name helped me to realize that this was not some failure on my part, but was actually a physical, chemical imbalance that I was experiencing. It was not something I could control and it would get better. Most postpartum depression resolves by the end of the first year. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

I share all of this because the more I talk with other moms the more I find women who identify with these feelings. When I was in the midst of my cloudiest days I felt so guilty for what I was experiencing. That led me even deeper into an emotional and irritated state. Knowing that what I was feeling was normal and that it will get better, removed such a weight from my shoulders.

Just as a point of example, I am going to share some of my struggles in case you can identify with them. Know that you are not alone. Other moms may look like they have everything under control, but they have tough days too. Keep reading until the end of the list, because I also want to share the things I learned along this still continuing journey.

Hugs to all of you Mamas!

Melissa

Struggles:

• Jealousy and guilt- When I would see other moms posting photos online of their adorable newborns, gushing with pride, joy, and love over their sweet little bundles, I on the other hand was struggling with holding my baby because as much as I love him, I didn’t want to be touched.

• Loss of identity- As a teacher I knew what my goals were for each day and I could check them off with ease. As a SAHM (especially with PPD), I was struggling to make sure I had a shower regularly, much less time to do the dishes or laundry.

• Desire for affirmation- Also while working, I could see measurable results of positive work. I would teach my students and they would perform well on their assessments. At home I felt like I failed at everything. I couldn’t get my baby to sleep anywhere but on me. My house looked like a tornado had come through. I was short tempered with my other children. I wore sweatpants and a ponytail for days on end. In my mind, I could do nothing right. I felt like I needed a prize for brushing my teeth.

• Guilt, guilt, more guilt- I was not experiencing what I had expected. I wasn’t cooing to my baby, but instead was trying to keep myself from literally yelling in frustration. There were days when I would feel so much angst that I wanted to pick up a toy and throw it across the room. I would have to lay my crying baby down in his bassinet and sit in the living room and cry myself because I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t want to complain to my sweet husband, because he was working a full time job and wouldn’t be able to change things. I didn’t want to add more to his plate and I felt guilty for making him feel bad about leaving me home with the baby all day. I even felt guilty for deciding to stay at home, since this dramatically changed our financial situation and here I hated every minute of it.

• Exhaustion- I was tired all the time. I wasn’t sleepy and I would get out of the bed, but I just constantly felt drained of energy.

• Feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood- I cannot tell you how many times my poor husband heard “I just wish you could feel what I feel.” I was literally physically feeling the effects of having a constant list of things to do on my mind coupled with the exhaustion and feelings of failure when they didn’t get completed.

• Wanting help, but not wanting to ask for it- I desperately wanted people to come hold my baby and chat with me, but I didn’t want to have to go anywhere. There were days when the idea of leaving my home was too much work and just made me feel more tired and “stuck”. At the same time, I didn’t want to have to tell someone, “I need you to come over because I am having a bad day.” I was determined to make it work by myself (big mistake- asking for help is a good thing!)

GOOD NEWS!!!

These were the minor thoughts that became golden nuggets of wisdom for me. I held to them on my worst days and they helped me to get through.

• You are NOT the first mom to feel this way! Other moms have had similar days and it doesn’t make you a bad mother for struggling through this.

• Asking for help is OK! It doesn’t make you a bad mother to ask for someone to come snuggle your baby while you catch a nap or take a shower. Transparency with close friends or family members is both relieving, just by sharing your struggle, and helpful. It lets them know the best ways they can assist you.

• Goals are good, but when you have a new baby sometimes redefining goals is a wonderful thing. This was my midwife’s suggestion and it was a major change for me. Instead of feeling like I needed to clean my whole house every day, my goal was simply to make my bed. It was simple, quick, and something that made me feel like some order had been reestablished.

• This is temporary! Whether you are struggling with PPD, or just feeling like motherhood is not as grace-filled as you had imagined, remember that it is a season. In a few years your babies will be sleeping through the night, fixing their own breakfast, taking their own showers, maybe even doing their own laundry ;). There will be a day when the toys will be put away and the vacuum lines will be in the carpet. There will even be a day when an unexpected guest doesn’t result in a whirlwind of stashing dishes and laundry, because the daily upkeep of your home will be easier. This DOES NOT have to be that day.

• It is ok to simply survive! As mothers we often have built up in our heads the expectations for what we should or should not be doing. When you have little ones there are days when thriving goes out the window and survival is key. If that means that your perfectly planned picnic day at the park gets changed to a Netflix marathon of Sophia the First, that is ok. You are your best when you are not stressed and frazzled. A shorter to-do list with a more peaceful mommy is better than a stressed out mommy who has completed every task she can think of.

• Self-care is important! Try to find ways to pamper yourself or give yourself a break. For me, that was taking a leisurely bubble bath with a Netflix episode playing on my Kindle. It doesn’t have to be some huge event. Maybe you like painting your nails; plan a new color every Saturday night. Maybe you love Starbucks; plan to grab a cup of coffee by yourself. Maybe you just need to splurge on some dark chocolate and a gossip magazine. Find something that brings you joy and makes you feel a little more “normal”.

I know this is the world’s longest blog post :), but I hope it helps even just one mommy out there who is having a less than stellar day. I have been there. I know those feelings. I have shed those tears. I can share a hug with you and truly mean it when I say I understand how you feel. Don’t get discouraged!

You are an amazing mom! Tomorrow is a new day!